Chapter 9, The Wedding that Almost Wasn't

From Chapter 9: The Wedding That Almost Wasn't

(This is from the middle of this chapter) 

In the mean time, Michael, one of his [my husband's] groomsmen from Boston, was getting rip roaring drunk in the club bar with Jim, a childhood friend of my husband, another groomsman. The two had never met until that night and when you mix an Irish catholic from Boston with a good ol’ boy from the Low Country of South Carolina over dozens of shots of brown liquor, it isn't pretty. And, it got down right ugly when the subject turned to the war (as in our most recent unpleasantness). In fact it got so ugly that the bartender came into the ballroom to find my husband to seek a truce.

Finally, my husband found me, we danced a dance or two and visited with a few folks we had not spoken to yet. Then it was time to go. He drove me home and I thought everything was dandy. After all tomorrow was our wedding day. Well, that was until a year or two later when my husband revealed it almost wasn't. Apparently at the rehearsal party after several adult beverages and an hour or two separated from me, he announced to his friends that he had no plans to marry someone he could not even find at the rehearsal party.

So, after peace had once again been found between the North and the South, my husband's groomsman (and former college roommate) Michael sat him down in the bar and explained how calling the wedding off at that point was probably not such a good idea. Even in his drunken stupor, Michael was able to talk my husband into not abandoning me at the altar the next day. After mulling it over even more glasses of single malt scotch, Michael and my husband solved half the problems of the world and my husband decided that the wedding, would in fact, go on.

Chapter 33, I Never Got the Merit Badge

From Chapter  33 - "I Never Got the Merit Badge"

(This is the latter part of  Chapter 33 )

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       I never saw a merit badge on Wedding Planning when I was Girl Scout and my sash was filled with a plethora of badges ranging from First Aide to Camping to Forestry to Recycling. I was prepared for the gown, the invitations, the cake, and those matters. However, no one prepared me for the onslaught of issues that require copious quantities of drugs and alcohol to handle.  

       Linens - white or ivory? A runner? And, what color?Should it be satin or organza? What size stage does the band need? And, the dance floor?

      The venue needs another check. I have already paid them. A set-up fee? That wasn't in the contract. Oh, we can pay it or set-up the tables and chairs ourselves. That doesn't look like an option. And, the bakery wants $250 just to deliver the cake? I'm not sure my wedding dress cost that much. On second thought, isn't a wedding cake so over rated anyway?

     Do we want a golf cart to carry our guests from the polo field to the lawn? No, our guests can walk and enjoy the lovely grounds. Do we need one? No. What if  . . ? If something happens, we'll deal with it then. We've checked the guest list and no one is infirm. If someone does something stupid at the rehearsal dinner- they are on their own.

     “We” (the venue of the wedding and reception) did tell you that the street address on our website is not the correct address for GPS navigation, didn't we?” Oh, Joy! Since the plantation is two miles off the beaten path of the only main road in west Jesus, I guess they can wing it. The invitations have already gone out.

      Oh, and by the way, we did tell all the guests that they cannot get a taxi from the airport in Charleston to the island, the closest hotel is thirty miles from the venue, and to remember to bring mosquito repellent. Perhaps it was best not worry them about the alligators.  But, April would most likely be warm enough for them to be out and about.

      I know these were just the minor details that everyone deals with. But, I had enough trouble finding a dress. No one prepared me for golf carts, GPS coordinates, and runners.

Chapter 20, The Uber List

From Chapter  20 - "The Uber List"

(This is the latter part of  Chapter 20 )
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At one point, I had a separate list of names that had been pulled off the main list. This separate list included anyone on death's door, with a terminal disease, with marital problems, in the process of a divorce, or whose house was for sale. The Mother of the Bride was determined that the invitations would be addressed correctly. If parties were separated at the time the invitations were delivered, then they needed to be addressed accordingly. She would not have an invitation sent to someone who had already passed away. That would be most disrespectful to the family. And Lord help us if one was returned because it had been sent to someone's former address.  So for six months I kept up with the obituaries, the MLS, and the local gossip to ensure that list was up-to-date.

And, the names - they had to be complete and correct. She insisted on this to the point that I had a copy of the style manual put together by the corresponding social secretary at the White House which contained the formal way to address everyone from a Four Star General to a Potentate to a Maharajah - should we have one on the list.

I remember one prominent business man always used his middle initial "M" and never his middle name. The Mother of the Bride had me call his office to obtain his middle name so his invitation would be correctly addressed. His assistant told me, as I expected, just to use the initial, that was his preference.  The Mother of the Bride would have none of that and called him herself. After several minutes of polite but emphatic language on her part, the gentleman finally said,"What difference does it make? The invitation is coming to me. If I say 'M' is correct, then by God it's correct." She hung up in defeat.

"Have it his way. But it is not correct. You just cannot address a formal invitation without a full name."

Looking down the list, I cringed. There was the name of a doctor with an initial. I knew him and knew that the initial was not short for anything - it was just a "J". He did not even put a period after it. Amy Vanderbilt did not cover this one, nor did the White House. Before the Mother of the Bride made the call she commented, "You don't suppose he would consider changing it to 'John' would you? That certainly would make my life easier."